Currently Listening Minutes to Midnight By Linkin Park see related

I'm Stuck

So I've really got myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm not even sure how to start explaining the situation so I guess I will start from the beginning. JB and I got to the point where we were sick of meeting chicks we found cool every once in a blue moon. So we decided to use myspace to our advantage and started just sending out random friend requests and messages. I was really surprised by the number of girls that were open-minded to just talking to someone online they didn't really know. The problem began when JB decided that this one girl that he barely knew would be like perfect for him. So he crossed over from just talking to a pretty girl trying to see what happens to "crushing" on her. She was actually the first of the girls to want to and come over and party with us. However, for reasons I don't completely understand JB took a lot of  bars, drank, and smoked weed so he acted like a complete moron. If that wasn't bad enough our friend Taylor, the best looking guy out of my friends, was over and she just went head over heels for him. Now over the course of a few days and hanging out with her two more times the situation has turned into this...

JB basically hates Taylor, and despises the girl and her friend all because she likes Taylor and not him. This has caused JB to act like a complete and total asshole and revert back to his old drug habits. He used to be addicted to painkillers and now he is bar'ed out all day everyday. I've tried on several situations and conversations to resolve the issue and convince JB they are both his friend and he just has to fight through that inner pain and we could have a cool new group. However, bar'ed out JB or maybe just JB in general is a selfish bastard and only cares about himself so this isn't an option.

Last night, at the revelation that she knew JB's feelings, but really like Taylor and that Taylor was actually starting to like her as well, JB kicked me, Taylor, the girl, and her friend out. We all just said fuck him and headed to the bird sanctuary to finish drinking our beers and smoke some weed. The girls started complaining about the misquitoes so we headed to our friend Tyler's house to party a little more and just chill out because he had soem beer and was already drunk. At some point we all smoked weed and Tyler started feeling ill and went inside to crash so we headed back to Taylor's house. I was hoping we were going to hang out a little more and shit ,but we ended up just all crashing in Taylor's massive bed. The girl was laying on Taylor and her friend on me.

Here comes my problem with the situation. Ever since she started hanging out with us I have tried to be the mediator because I want us to all be friends and be able to  hang out at JB's house. So I have known JB's, the girls, and sort of Taylor's whole perspective on the thing since the very beginning. When Taylor first started "talking" with her we discussed that it would be a hit-it-and-forget-it situation and I was going to do the same with her friend. However, now she is really hung up on Taylor and he tells her he is all up for dating, but he tells JB that he doesn't want to have anything to do with her so I'm confused. Ever since Taylor has had the girl on "lockdown" I have been telling him just stay cool with her until I fuck her friend and then we can go our seperate ways, but last night something happened I didn't expect. As usual, me and her went away from the group several times to just talk about the situation with her, Taylor, and JB. I began to get this strange feeling. I started to "crush" on her. She is gorgeous, funny, cute, and awesome to hang out with. Not to mention the fact that she is down to earth, can say a million things with just her eyes, and has the tendency to write things down when she is a little messed up. So now Taylor and her are more or less together and I'm sort of getting in this relationship with her friend. The only reason I got into the relationship was to fuck her and leave her because I'm trying to turn myself into an asshole so I don't get hurt as much. Although now, I'm sort of starting to get to know the friend and questioning whether or not I can do it, but worst of all I don't want to do it because if I do I may lose my relationship with the other girl that I can't help, but be attracted to. I'm not sure what I want to do..I don't want to make JB mad, I want to get laid, I want to at least be friends with the girl, and I don't really want to be in an actual relationship with the friend.

That is my current delima, but in the other aspects of my life. I made two B's, one C, and one D in school this semester.  My father is only going to be happy with a B or higher so I have yet to tell them about it and I'm starting to dread the coming argument. I'm also worried if we started talking/arguing it's going to get on the topic of what is important to me in life and I might tell them I'm agnostic and do drugs recreationally. That is a shitty situation in itself.

On top of that, I honestly think I'm sort of an alcoholic. I have been drinking so much just for fun I think it just sort of happend. The problem is on nights where I think we are going to drink and party if starts to sound like we aren't going to I start to feel this mini panic attack inside my body. That is when I figured it out.

On top of that, I owe Penny $20, I owe Andrew Kenny $20, and my credit card is up to about $150 and my bank account as $20.03 in it. I get payed Wednesday, but the entire check is basically going to go to getting myself out of debt and them I'm not sure what I will do.

My plan to resolve the last two problems is to stop buying alcohol for two weeks since I won't have the money which means I probably won't be able to drink anywhere near as much as I was. Also, just not spend a dime until I get payed again. My plan to resolve the first huge problem is somewhere along the lines of I have no idea what to do.

In other news, I have been running, working out, and just recently started tanning. Because of my anti-depressants I'm no longer afraid to become the person I want to be because I dont' get anxiety about stupid things. I don't care if people think I look dumb working out when I'm so skinny and I don't care what guys think about me if I start going to tan. I'm living my life the way I want and that is all that is important to me. I'm still so very very confused about so many things though.

Finally, last, but not least. Because of how crazy my night was last night I ended up sleeping in and missing church. This means I missed church on mothers day and my mother hates me. Not to mention the fact I didn't get her anything because I am flat broke and was to lazy to go get a card. I'm a horrible person and a horrible son, but fuck it who cares.

Halo 3 BETA starts in three days....I can't wait...

Till next time...

R.I.P. Casey Dawn Hastings

I went to the mall to see Chelsea the other day and while I was walking past GNC, Lindsey motioned for me to come in. I walked up to her and she gave me a big hug and began crying. She started to explain to me how a member of the Demon's cheerleading squad had been in a wreck and died. She didn't know her very well, but she had still made a connection with her and missed her. She never mentioned a name, but a face came to mind. However, I thought that was impossible so I shrugged it off and continued on with my day. The evening was rather enjoyable consisting of drinking at JB's followed by a night of robotripping. Early the next morning after we had both come out of our trip JB was on myspace hitting on emo girls in our new attempt to get hookups through the internet. At one point he took a break and let me check my myspace. I had no new messages or comments so I looked at my bulletins and one in particular labled 'Drinking and Driving' by Andrew Kenny(Jango) caught my eye. I opened it, read what the contents and then my heart sank. On the bottom line read the words..."rip cdh". I immediately went to Casey's, the girl that came to mind the previous night when lindsey mentioned it, myspace to see if there were any RIP comments. She hadn't gotten a comment since the 26th so I felt a little bit better, but I then went to the first friend on her top 8, the demon cheerleaders myspace. I looked the page over and saw nothing un-usual until I clicked on Albums and saw the different ones. That was when I felt the pain in my chest. There was an album labeled R.I.P. Casey Dawn Hastings wtih casey's picture as the album cover and other pictures inside. It was the same Casey that I had first met in my Composition II class a few months before hand and studied with for a comp II test on one occasion. The very same girl I thought was so cute and funny and began flirting with on and off until I discovered she had a boyfriend. The same beautiful girl that worked at Chili's and would say hi and chat with me each time I came in and saw her. I wasn't really sure what to think and I was kind of in shock. This was the first time someone I had actually known, with the exception of my great grandmother when I was like 10, and liked died. The was def the first time anyone whose number I had in my cell phone had died. I still don't know what to think. I feel bad that she is gone and I'm not really sure, but for some reason I feel bad for feeling bad. If that makes any sense. I somehow think I didn't know her well enough to be this upset about it. I don't know I guess I'm just really confused about the whole situation and not sure what to think. This is really the first death I have ever had to deal with in my 19 years of life. I'm going with Andrew tomorrow to her viewing and the following day to her funeral. It's going to be sad, but mostly hard just to see so many people upset. She was really terrific person and a lot of people are going to miss her. I guess it's proof how nice of a person she was that I could be so upset after knowing her for such a short time. No matter how the next few days go and how bad I feel for feeling bad, I'm going to miss her a lot and so will hundreds of other people. I don't believe in heaven, but if there is one she is definetly there. In memory of Casey I'm going to post a poem our professor in Compostion II read/gave out to the class.

Poems and Prayers
By Dennis Doiron

Poems and prayers are not to be read aloud
But should be quoted tothe soul,
For they are not bright baubles
To be turned and played with by the tongue,
But ripe fruit to be ingested
For the nourishment they contain.

Rest in peace, Casey Dawn Hastings. You will be missed and loved by everyone and that knew you.